WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
