She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Ketchup is God's man juice
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
