last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
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until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
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He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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