My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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