searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
