New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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