i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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