You're earring is so big in my mouth
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
we're making bets on your personal life
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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