If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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