Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
