I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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