what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
