god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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