there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
