Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
