I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
