I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
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Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
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I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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