My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Sorry about my life...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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