Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
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