love makes seman taste better
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
