My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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