I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize