I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
