kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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