New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
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I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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