is your mom at the bar?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
