It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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