i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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