Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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