I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
