I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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