watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
