i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
