Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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