I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
