ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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