I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Still dying that you shit outside
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
