kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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