Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
