You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
