new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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