I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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