Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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