I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Two words: blizzard sex
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
