My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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