can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
