The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
