her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
