i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
