you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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