you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
