I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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