my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
