you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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