a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
