she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
pop tarts are not kleenex
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
