I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I need a burrito and a hug.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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