Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
